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5 Reasons Couples Fight & Break-up

Sunday, October 19, 2008 Sunday, October 19, 2008

Nearly everyone has experienced a relationship breakup or divorce & it can be one of the most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your broken heart. What we have discovered in our relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to happen.

So, if breakups don't have to occur, what cases them & how can you prevent them?

Here are four ideas to help you better understand why breakups happen & what you can do to prevent them in your relationship.

1. Old Fears Surface.
It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitable bring up fears & challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at & healed, they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue.

Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" & there's no basis of truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do & it takes moment by moment monitoring of your thoughts. If you need help & support to make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it.

You may not have healed your broken heart from past relationships that ended & you find it very difficult to trust your current partner or open your heart completely to him or her. We suggest that you stop living from the hurt of those past relationships & bring yourself into the present moment, without continuing the "stories" of the past. Commit to starting over, allowing your fears to be there but reminding yourself that this is a new day.

2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved & Appreciated.
Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved & appreciated & when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works!

If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing & feeling love & appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some appreciation back to them & to everyone around you & watch love snowball in your life.

3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority.
Many couples take each other for granted & don't give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness & connection can be overwhelming & can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with your partner.

We believe that sex happens long before the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner. Are these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together. Are you happy to see each other & express love & appreciation or do you great each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances?

These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a priority. Try them in yours!

4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They are "Wrong."
One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses & walls go up & suddenly that person who you love & they love you becomes an "enemy."

Before you jump into blaming & judging your partner, stop & take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer toward healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart & we really don't. Take the time to find out!

5. Not healing your heart after a previous relationship break-up
Many people go from relationship to relationship without truly healing their hearts. They never discover what went wrong in their previous relationship & what they could have done differently. They keep repeating the same mistakes over & over again & always expect a different outcome.